Pretencious: I am invested in the belief that I can write myself into being. Some kind of whole, coherent entity found in a collection of thoughts that indicate ‘me’ as distinct from the world, rather than part of it. I want authors to acknowledge that they are individually located. The Other is incommensurable (aka Ien Ang). It is so feminist and embodied (aka Felski). But who is to say that we are these discreet bodies, or texts, anyway? The text is not a penis that penetrates the reader.
My commitment to the personal in literary criticism stems from the belief that ‘objective’ knowledge is always influenced by subjective positions (aka Felski, Sedgwick). However I see two major flaws. Firstly, how, as authors and readers, can we ever objectively know, disclose or admit our ‘true’ subjective position? In itself, that would require an arrogant and totalising form of self-knowledge, flawed in the ironic certainty of its own objectivity. Secondly, I’m not so sure that we are these coherent selves to be influencing and influenced by the external world as Other.
Here I am again in dialogue with the text, like a lover, unable to distinguish start and finish. The text as father figure perhaps? Or an ex-lover? Saturated with you everywhere I went: so deep in my pores that
in your absence I
had no presence. In
every song, every
walkway, no sense of
who I was without you, and
your perspective.
You used to dictate all I knew but now I’m reinscribing me, making you a distant memory, referenced in conversation. A “we” of foreign time, no longer lived. We were so involved. Our words danced in blissful identification, something mutual on the page. But now we meet as strangers. I’ve forgotten the structure of your arguments, your favourite phrases. Most of all, I’ve forgotten the me that used to love you.
But you still call to me, sometimes, from the sublime. You embody all manner of concepts and phrases. I lose my footing; stray from the path; from book to memory. Gravity fails, my stomach turns. ---- Maybe you were never there, just a trace, an echo in the great blurriness of we; all things in tandem. Or, more frighteningly, maybe you were just an extension of my self-identification.
Attempting to write myself into a coherent history, I try to read you, to read the world as you would. In my head I say
“You know what I’m like,”
as though “I” could ever be
reconcilable to some
kind of truth. A text
with discreet boundaries, able
to be located,
to have the cover
open or closed. The pages
kiss my fingertips.
- Ang, Ien (1995) “I’m a feminist but...: Other women and postnational feminism”. B Caine and R Pringle (eds.), Transitions: New Australian Feminisms, St Leonards: Allen and Unwin
- Felski, Rita (2009) “After Suspicion”, Profession, pp. 28-35
- Sedgwick, Eve (1999) A Dialogue on Love, Boston: Beacon Press